More than a year ago, my son sent me an audio file of a phone conversation he had with his father about a week or so into his dad’s diagnosis. He sent the audio file to my phone, but I never listened to it…..until today. My phone was trying to download an update but couldn’t. The error message said I needed to review some large attachments in order to clear out some space for the new update. I was dutifully reviewing the files and deleting, and there it was. A modern day message in a (digital) bottle washed up on my emotional shore.
My husband and our son talked for
about 12 minutes mainly about his diagnosis and the amount of time he had left.
At the time, I was struggling to make sense of his diagnosis and our treatment
options. I was desperate for anything that would give us some more time. My
husband was concerned that I was not fully in touch with the situation, that I
was in denial about how much time he had left. He was partially correct. I
thought he might have months left to live. In actuality, he only had weeks. He
knew it. I think I knew it, too, but couldn’t fully accept it. Recently, I have
been feeling like I am once again at that same crossroads, the cosmic,
cognitive space where the paths of acceptance and denial intersect. There is something
that’s been tugging at my heart, something that I know, but I can’t seem to see
my way clear to fully accepting where this grief process goes next.
My son and I were talking about
this and he said, “I think we’re just scratching the surface of what you are
capable of, and I don’t want you to get stuck
in grief.” Uh-oh. An arrow straight to my heart. A ripple of panic through
In a recent comment conversation with a fellow blogger, I admitted, “Breaking through is a good way to describe what I feel like needs to happen next, but I really question whether I have the mettle necessary. I am reminded of days on the farm when I was warned by adults not to help the baby chicks as they struggled to emerge from the shell. I felt so sorry for them. I wanted to help so badly. Just a little bit! But, no, I was told that if they were not strong enough to emerge from the shell, they would not be strong enough to survive to adulthood. Yes, indeed.”
Well, folks, leave it to my husband
to tell it like it is. In my digital message in a bottle, Paul said….
“Mom’s been a trooper. She’s just…like I said…I appreciate
you talking to her because she needed to…she needed to hear it, and from you,
and, and realize that, yeah, it’s time, as much as all of us hate to do it,
move on. It’s time to move on. She’s only going to listen to me…and you.”
Holy smokes…..that message was recorded in February 2018, given to me over a year ago, and heard for the first time by me today. Amazing. Now, I have no idea what moving on looks like, but I heard my husband loud and clear. I have done my best to love, honor, and obey him in all things. This next chapter can’t and won’t be any different.
People say that time heals all wounds. No, it doesn’t. God does. Reading His Word has taught me the truth about grief and healing, and I am standing on His promises. Paul was a gift to me, and I am grateful. My cup is full and overflowing with precious memories, and I rejoice in them. I will continue to use my experience with grief to tell others about God’s Grace in my life. I consider it a high honor to reveal His strength in my weakness and pain. God has comforted me and still has more work for me to do. I know this because He is daily equipping me for the task.
In their book Grieving with Hope, Samuel J. Hodges IV and Kathy Leonard warn that choosing to remain stuck in your ways will result in grief becoming your identity. Yikes. No, thank you.
The Bible also provides an appropriate warning in Isaiah 17:5-8, “This is what the Lord says: ‘Cursed are those who put their trust in mere humans, who rely on human strength and turn their hearts away from the Lord. They are like stunted shrubs in the desert, with no hope and no future. They will live in the barren wilderness, in an uninhabited salty land. But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green and they never stop producing fruit.’” Yes, thank you, because being a stunted shrub sounds like no fun at all.
Moving on with hope, joy, and peace in the midst of my grief, Malia
*This is a difficult post that discusses addiction and suicide. Please be
cautious about reading this material if you are sensitive to these topics.
Just one, short day after I wrote the grief-bomb post, a member of our extended family took her own life. Because I was immediately needed to support my loved ones, I found myself, unfortunately, in close proximity to the incident itself. I have registered the accompanying shock-waves like a seismograph as they have rolled through my emotional landscape. Shock, horror, disgust, anger, pity, indignation. Sadness. Sadness. Sadness. In the midst of this thick, hot stew of unreconciled emotions that have been difficult to manage because they don’t seem right to me, I struggled most with my feelings of anger. I felt ashamed and guilty for feeling angry with someone who was clearly hurting and in so much emotional pain that taking her own life seemed like the only solution. I asked myself, Where is my love? Where is my compassion? What is wrong with me? Why can’t I feel anything other than anger in this moment?. I prayed to God to remove what felt like heart of stone inside my chest.
I hesitated to write about this so soon as there are so many people surrounding this situation that are hurting so badly, and I want to be respectful and courteous. I am torn to pieces, but I can’t. I can’t not write about this. I know, grammar. Whatever. The impulse to write about this is overriding whatever polite sensitivities I might have. And you know what? Screw politeness. Being overly polite, keeping secrets, not talking about it is killing people. Literally!
Transparency saves lives.
So, here goes……She was a lovely person, so kind, so giving. She wanted to help everybody. She
was a give-you-the-shirt-off-her-back
kind of person. Her family loved her dearly. Her fiancé loved her
dearly. She was positive and vibrant
with a radiant smile. She had a
generous heart. She grew up in a
sweet, loving family, a family of five. She
has a brother and a sister and many nieces, nephews, and cousins who enjoyed
spending time with her. She was funny and adventurous, a free-spirit.
My own relationship with her was rocky at best, and I never really understood why. We were very, very different people. We were always cordial, but we had to agree to disagree on just about everything. I didn’t feel comfortable around her, but she was never anything but kind and welcoming. There was something about her that I could never quite put my finger on. I didn’t trust her, but I had no logical reason to feel that way and it confused me. I could never make sense of how uneasy I felt around her. Unfortunately, it makes perfect sense now. There was a part of her that was always hidden. She was in pain, but she hid it. She was depressed, but she hid it. She was battling addiction, but she hid it. The truth is I never really knew her at all. I never had the opportunity. Her life and mine didn’t intersect until she was in the final stages of depression and addiction. The addiction kept her true self locked inside a prison of stigma, shame, and fear. The version of her that I knew was altered by addiction and over-compensated for everything, and I think my codependent radar, engineered by my family’s own experience with addiction, was just constantly ringing the emotional alarm every time I was around her. My subconscious perceived her as dangerous and signaled my flight response. That leaves me with feelings of regret and heartache that I didn’t get to know her. I prayed for forgiveness. I prayed, “Please forgive me for missed opportunities to reach out with kindness and compassion. I am so sorry that I couldn’t bridge the gap between us.”
This is perhaps what addiction is
best at, best at making everyone surrounding it think that everything is okay
so that it can continue to do its dirty work in secret. Concerned friends and
family members are the greatest threat to addiction. They are addiction’s first
targets to be eliminated at, unfortunately, any cost.
She was trying. She was trying to break free and had
periods of sobriety. AA chips were here and there throughout the house. Stacked
Bibles with copious amounts of handwritten notes are evidence that she was reading and studying God’s Word.
She was trying. And she had won many a battle, but in a
fraction of a second, the impulse to escape won the war. And that’s what it
was. An impulse. There was no indicator that that day was different from any
other. There were none of the typical behavior patterns leading up to a
suicide. No plan. No note. Just a single impulsive moment that ended
Several days ago, we celebrated her life at a memorial service. The service was very well done. It helped me reconcile those unresolved feelings of anger and guilt, feeling guilty about feeling so angry. Two of her nieces and a cousin spoke beautifully, tenderly, about how much she meant to them. Through them, I was able to get a glimpse of her before addiction and depression overtook her. Through them, God opened the eyes of my heart and restored my sense of compassion, replaced my heart of stone with a heart of love. As they shared precious memories of her in a time before I met her, I could see her happy and free. She was so precious to her family. Her love changed their lives for the better, made them the people they are today, and the loss of her will never be made whole in their lifetimes. And then something amazing and powerful happened.
Her sister spoke. Up until that point, everyone’s comments had been in the polite category, very proper and nicey-nice. Everyone had talked about how wonderful she was, how much they loved her, and how much she loved them. Her family loved her dearly, dearly. Her sister boldly affirmed everything everyone had said about her. She was indeed all of those things, beautiful, wonderful, caring, kind, loving, giving, compassionate, fun and adventurous, but she was also broken and in pain. Her sister openly talked about unhealthy choices. She again affirmed that all of those wonderful things about hersister were true and right and good, but it was also true that her sister suffered and struggled her entire life with depression, substance abuse, and maintaining her mental health.
She was suffering from depression and addiction, and she lost her life because of it. Her sister courageously called every elephant in the room by name, and then extended a life line to us all. “If you are hurting, if you are struggling with addiction or depression, we are here for you. The church is here for you. You are not alone. We are with you. Let us help you.” It was fantastic. It was beautiful. It was amazing. She was amazing. She spoke eloquently about how she could love her sister and her sister could be a loving person while, at the same time, her sister was at the mercy of addiction and mental illness. In a stunning moment of power and truth, her sister proclaimed that there’s no shame to this. There’s no stigma to this. She was a beautiful person who suffered and because she was in so much emotional pain she took steps to rid herself of the pain. She just called it all out but still had all this love and respect and honor for her sister. It.was.powerful. And I am thankful for her brave words spoken in understanding, compassion, and love.
In closing, this requiem, this final act or token of remembrance for her, is truly the least I can do. I only pray it could have been more.
Speak the truth in love, brothers and sisters. Transparency
saves lives, Malia
Ok, so, truth be told, I’ve been back for several days, but, you know, life!
From The Hymnal 1982, #398 I sing the almighty power of God, v 3, “….while all the borrows life from thee is ever in thy care, and everywhere that I could be, thou, God, art present there.”
My trip to the Dominican Republic was amazing! There were less hiccups on this trip than on my Camino adventure, and I was a much more confident traveler than I was the last time although I will confess to a little travel anxiety at the start. For me, that presents itself in the form of irrational worries like a sudden sense of panic that I selected the wrong airport when making my reservations online. Did I get the airport code right? Am I accidentally flying to the wrong country? I better double check. Did allow enough time for my connection? I better call the help line and ask. Where’s my passport? Did I remember to pack this, that, and the other?? Did I put my medicine in my carry on? Where’s my phone? Did I lock the car?
I left my home at 3:30am and boarded a flight to Miami at about 5:30am. I easily made my connection in Miami (traveling win!) and flew into Santo Domingo, the capital city, at about 11:00am and was greeted with……ugh, a looonnggg line to get through immigration. I was frustrated. I was anxiously texting my friend, Ada, keeping her updated on the progress of what would become my hour-and-a-half long wait to get my passport stamped. Being who she is, she texted, “Ok relax”. This is one of the many reasons I love her. Despite the short time we have known each other, she totally gets me and knows what I need to hear. Those two little words delivered with love and compassion made all the difference. I suddenly felt like I could wait in that line forever, and it would somehow be ok. Thank you, Jesus, for the blessing of these friends in my life!
By the way, flying into Miami is always a treat as that area of the country never seems to disappoint in the cloud department. The early morning departure provided me with a literal bird’s eye view of the sunrise, and, wow, was it spectacular. I was like a giddy kid with my nose pressed against the window. It’s like a cotton candy jungle up there with beautiful, spun filaments and fluffy mounds of pink and blue everywhere. When the sun begins to work its magic, those clouds glow like live embers in a smoldering campfire followed by whole fields of clouds rolling and advancing like thick floes of lava. It is quite the show!
After finally getting through immigration, Ada picked me up and whisked me off to a beautiful lunch overlooking the ocean at Boca Marina Restaurant. The sound of the water, the warm ocean breeze, and the expansive view were just what I needed after the cramped airplane and pressing crowd of the immigration line.
In the evening, we met our other friends at Parque Colon (Columbus Park), home of the Basilica Cathedral of Santa Maria la Menor, in the Colonial Zone. The Colonial Zone is the historic, colonial district of the city. It is filled with shops, restaurants, historic buildings, and plazas where people meet to walk and talk, drink and dine, smile and laugh, and spend time together. The Dominican people are truly beautiful. A cross-cultural recipe of Spanish, African, and indigenous peoples shines in their faces. The street life is vibrant; rich with color and the smell of delicious foods, local produce, and the sound of merenque on every corner accompanied by crowds of people listening and spontaneously dancing in the plazas and along the sidewalks. It is glorious!
The next morning we set off for the mountains and countryside. Along the way, we stopped at a fantastic café, Miguelina’s Panaderia y Reposteria. They make fresh the most delicious breads and sweets, coffee, and fruit smoothies. From there, we made our way to Alta Vista Restaurant. We traveled by car to get there, but there is the option to arrive by helicopter from nearby locales. The view and the food were amazing as was the company. Next, we drove to a high mountain reservoir, Tavera Dam, where we boarded a boat for a day on the water with thanks to Ada’s brother, Ramon. In the late afternoon, we pulled up to a lakeside restaurant, La Presa de Taveras, serving the local catch. It was a truly beautiful day!
A long walk around the city the next morning before boarding the plane made my experience complete. It was a quick trip, but my Camino family and I made the most of it by seeing the sites and staying focused on the most important thing which was having time to enjoy each other’s company and give thanks that God brought us all together is this way.
Where’s the beef, ahem, I meant, grief?!
….to quote a fast food restaurant’s famous ad campaign from the 1980s. It went on to become a catchphrase implying where the substance or meaning is in a particular event or idea.
Well, the grief, my friends, is where it’s always at, crouching on coiled limbs in my heart, in my soul. The sadness still creeps in or pounces when I least expect it. I am still caught off guard by thoughts of sharing experiences with Paul. I am still uneasy without him by my side in so many situations, but right alongside that grief is gratitude and growth. I am so thankful for all that I have and all that I am and all that I am becoming.
I find myself becoming less and less interested in happiness. It never lasts. It’s bought, sold, and traded like a commodity. I am interested only in joy. Joy is eternal, and, along with gratitude, is the only counterbalance to grief and suffering. Joy happens in the small, quiet moments among friends and family and strangers when people connect. Joy happens when you’re dancing on a street corner or when your nose is pressed to a window watching the sunrise or when taking a long, deep breath of the ocean breeze. Joy is born out of contentment with all that life encompasses….birth, death, sadness, happiness, failure, success, fear, anger, acceptance, rejection. I am learning that joy can be present in the midst of it all if I approach life with gratitude and a desire to grow.
I am so completely thankful for Ada. God truly placed her in my life to encourage me to continue to learn and grow. She inspires me in all the best ways. For Ada, love is an action word. She shows me through her generous spirit how to cultivate and maintain connections. Ada inspires me to be more connected, more generous, to be more.
The Willow’s True Nature: A Tale of Caution and Hope
There is a wise king with a large kingdom and many servants. One day, one of his servants left the castle early in the morning to do the daily business of the kingdom. She had a very long to-do list! There were provisions to buy, documents to deliver and collect, and people to talk to. The king’s castle was perched high above the kingdom, and on the walk down the road from the castle, the servant was able to look out across the countryside and towns below. It was truly a lovely day. She walked past the reservoir, through the willow woods, and into town where there were shops and houses both great and small. There were people of all kinds, too; young and old, rich and poor, skilled and professional, at work and at play, happy and sad.
She was busy all day going here and there around the town,
and the servant managed to accomplish all of her errands. She was satisfied
that she had checked everything off of her to-do list. Her basket was full of
supplies of every sort; bread, fruits and veggies, meats and cheeses, important
documents, books, articles of clothing, medicines, and dry goods. She was filled
with a sense of pride as she began the walk back to the castle and felt the
king would be pleased.
It had been a comfortably warm, sunny day, but now in the
distance, rain clouds were gathering. The servant decided she should hurry back
to the safety of the castle before the rain arrived. She picked up the pace as
she passed through the willow woods. No one knew how old the willow woods were
only that the king himself had planted the trees many, many years ago. In those
days, willow trees were different than they are today. They were the tallest of
all the trees, very plain, and straight as an arrow reaching straight up to
heaven. The light, silvery leaves were sparse and upturned, pointing to the sky.
They offered very little shade or shelter for people or animals. The bark was smooth,
dull, and unremarkable. Furthermore, they were of no particular use as the
branches were stiff and straight, brittle, and easily snapped by the slightest
The clouds were growing thicker and darker as the servant
neared the reservoir. She hurried on. There was a terrible clap of thunder. She
was afraid and started to run as the rain began to pour, great torrential
sheets of rain. Now, crossing the dam that held the reservoir of water in
place, she could see that the water was rising. What was worse was that there
appeared to be a leak in the earthen dam. She could see a small but insistent stream
of water spurting forth from the dirt works. Panic stricken and without
thinking she impulsively plugged the leak with her finger. She felt very clever
in that moment because her quick thinking had stopped the leak and avoided a
Almost as quickly as she celebrated her heroic intervention, she began to see its folly. “What do I do now?” she thought. The situation was not sustainable. She couldn’t stand there forever stopping up the leak, but any attempt to get help would mean removing her finger which would surely result in the water gushing forth with even greater force than before. She was, in fact, trapped. Like the lightning flashing in the sky around her, in one terrible, heart stopping flash of understanding, she realized that she was actually the cause of her entrapment, trapped by her own decision made in haste and an overgrown, out-of-control sense of self-reliance. To make matters worse, the dirt around her finger was becoming soggy and water began to flow once again. Now, she was stuck trying to do anything and everything to plug the ever widening hole. She tried desperately to use what she had in her basket to fill the now gaping breach with food, jars of medicine, clothing, documents, books. She tried it all, but it was no use. The hole would not be filled and everything she had accomplished, everything from her to-do list, was ruined. The water in the reservoir was rising ever higher. The pressure behind the dam was building.
“If only I had run on to the castle when I first saw the
leak,” she thought to herself. “I could have called out to the king and his
other servants for help.” There was nothing she could do to stop what was going
to happen next. She had failed, and everyone in the town below was in danger
because of her.
Then, what she feared would happen, happened. The dam burst forth and a great deluge of water like a stampede of horses raced toward the town below. She turned away to avoid the sight of it. She felt the full weight of her guilt and began to cry huge, sorrowful tears that fell into the flowing water. Suddenly, she heard a sound, a great gasping, gulping sound coming from the direction of the willow woods. She looked, and she could see the trees’ roots stretched taut against the surface of the ground, and they were growing! The roots were growing bigger and rounder as they filled with the rushing water spilling from the reservoir. The trees themselves were changing, too. They became heavy with water, their trunks split and scarred. Their branches began to elongate and droop. Their lofty tops bowed low. The leaves turned from silvery white to a brilliant, sea green, and all the while the torrent of running water was slowing from a deluge to barely a brook. The town was saved! From that day forward, those trees have been known as weeping willows for their true nature, their true purpose, had been revealed as well as their true beauty. They now bend gracefully with strength and do not easily break. They have flexibility that not even a howling wind can degrade. They create a protective shelter beneath their branches as they arc and sigh downward. When it rains, they soak up excess water in the ground, and raindrops trace their way down the drooping branches and fall like the weeping servant’s tears on the ground below.
In her heart, she wondered if the king in his wisdom knew
the role that the willow trees would play in saving the town when he planted
them all those many, many years ago. She decided she would ask him. Then, she
thought, “If the king knew the willow’s true purpose, maybe he knows mine.” She
decided she would talk to him about that, too, and seek his counsel first in
all things. The End
Proverbs 137:1-2 By
the waters of Babylon, there we sat down and wept, when we remembered Zion. On
the willows there we hung up our lyres.
More about the Busy Trap
I can’t even count how many people offered the sage advice to stay busy as a way to manage grief. We have to be really careful about this though. Staying busy can quickly move from a seemingly sound strategy to a crutch then to a trap and perhaps even to a prison. And it’s such an easy trap to fall into because its delicious bait is pride and disproportionate self-reliance. Staying busy is like putting a Band-Aid on a gushing wound. It’s just not going to work. It doesn’t stop the grieving process. It only delays it and ultimately makes the healing process more difficult and complex.
The problem is that grief builds up behind the emotional dam that is created by staying busy. A mind packed full with grief doesn’t always make good decisions. Analytical thinking and problem solving skills are diminished. Over-scheduling can lead to or increase anxiety. All the while, the pressure on the dam is growing, and it soon springs a leak prompting more and more busy-ness to shore up the dam. Staying busy is not sustainable. It becomes a vicious cycle. When the dam finally breaks, and it will, the leak becomes a flood and does more damage than the leak ever could have. The ensuing deluge of grief can threaten us and those we love.
So, what do we do? I try to strive for a balanced day. Just like eating a balanced diet promotes good physical health, we should strive to choose a menu of daily activities that promote good mental and spiritual health. I try to choose meaningful, purposeful activities that help me process my grief, not busy-ness for the sake of busy-ness. Examples of meaningful, purposeful activities include exercise, time with supportive friends and family, volunteering or work that helps others, quiet time for mindfulness activities, and time for doing absolutely nothing. I say I try because I am not always successful. I recently had a dream where I was frantically driving all over town from place to place except every time I arrived at a destination I found out that I was not where I was supposed to be and had to race off to another location. I was panting with exhaustion and frustration, anxiety and fear. Smack! Hello, Holy 2 x 4! If the merry-go-round has become the misery-go-round, then get off. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with shutting it all down and giving yourself time to feel and be. In fact, it is essential! Furthermore, I have found that I don’t like to hurry or be in a rush. This could be a function of my age, but I think it’s more related to time and the way I experience it now. I’ve written about the time change in previous posts. It’s something I noticed almost immediately after Paul died. I strive to be very present. I want to cherish and savor each moment even the moments that are mundane.
Some questions for reflection… How full is your reservoir of grief? Is it leaking? Are you trapped by your own choices and efforts to manage it? Is the pressure building? Who will be harmed when the dam breaks?
God has a plan for our lives. He knows more than our imaginations are capable of conceiving. We may not always know what to do with all of our grief and sadness, but God does. He has a plan for that, too. We need only to trust it to him.
Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
Paul was famous for leaving us notes; peeking out at me from
the bottom of my sock drawer, a note by my phone to remind me of an early
morning meeting. I would often get to work and find that Paul had tucked a note
in my bag. When I travelled, there was always a note hidden in my suitcase.
Paul was always in my corner. He knew just what to say and just when to say it. This week, I was cleaning out my work-space in preparation for moving to my new position, and I found these, amazing and poignantly relevant to my current situation:
It wasn’t just notes. About a year before Paul died, I awoke
one night because I heard something, someone talking. It was Paul. He was close
to me, right up next to me, his head on my pillow, his chin nuzzled into my
neck, and he was saying something. Once I realized that he was the one who was
talking, still half asleep and with my eyes still closed, I mumbled, “What are
you doing? Who are you talking to?” He replied that he was talking to me. A
little more awake, blinking my eyes trying to focus, I turned to see Paul
propped up on his arm looking at me and smiling. Brow furrowed, I argued, “But
I was asleep. Why are you talking to me while I’m sleeping?” His response was
this, “I am filling your mind and heart with all the things you need to hear. I
am telling you all the good things you need to know about yourself.” Many
nights after that I would wake to the sound of Paul’s voice in my ear. “You are
so beautiful. You are strong. You are smart. You are kind. You take care of
your family. You love us so well.” And the list goes on and on. Paul was my
very own, live action affirmations-while-you-sleep tape.
The summer before Paul died we did very little. We hardly even left the house. He had no energy at all. He just wasn’t feeling well the majority of the time. He had very little appetite and wasn’t sleeping well. He stopped doing things he liked to do like cooking and fishing. We were seeing his doctors regularly, almost weekly(!), and there had definitely been some changes in blood work. For one thing, he was diagnosed with diabetes and started some medication to help with that, but there was nothing whatsoever that indicated he had cancer. I also distinctly remember a talk he had in the yard one day with his dad. I wasn’t privy to the entire conversation, but I remember his dad walking away shaking his head and saying, “Nah, you’ll be fine. It’ll just take some time to get your new medications right and start eating a little differently.” “What was all that about?” I asked. “Awww, nothing,” Paul said, “It’s just hard for my dad to accept that I’m not feeling well, and with my health problems, well, I may not always be around like he assumes.” I told Paul that I realized that he had been feeling poorly lately, especially with the diabetes diagnosis and trying to get medications adjusted, but that he wasn’t going anywhere any time soon.
I was scheduled to go to California on a work trip for about three days in that following December, just months before Paul died, and he literally refused to allow me to go. I was shocked. Never in all our time together had he ever put his foot down and told me he wouldn’t allow me to do something. I pushed the issue, complained that I couldn’t understand why he felt so strongly about me not going. It was an awkward situation because I had already committed myself to the trip, but in the end, I had to let my supervisors know that I couldn’t go after all. His behavior was so out of character for him that I was more perplexed than angry. There was just no way he would deny me unless it was extraordinarily important to him so I acquiesced and let the matter go.
A month after he died I came across a forgotten letter saved on
the computer. I hadn’t read it before. The letter had never been sent and was
addressed to an old friend of the family who we had not seen in a couple of
years, but the content was broad. It could have been written to anyone, all of
believe God’s grace, prayer, and a positive attitude have been the deciding
factors…I just wish he would have given us more time together but it isn’t for
me to question to God’s motives, only to be thankful for them and I am
THANKFUL.” (his emphasis)
It’s interesting to note that while Paul was a prolific note writer, I had never known him to write letters like this one. It was lengthy, two typed pages. He began the letter by explaining that he chose to write instead of call because he thought it would be easier than talking on the phone. Our friend had significant hearing problems and great difficulty understanding what people were saying especially on the phone. Think about that. If not for that, we might not have this precious letter.
Looking back on it now, in total, it seems like he was preparing us for life without him, right? And it begs the question…did he know? Paul was perceptive, intuitive, in all the ways I am not. In a lot of ways, his perception was extra sensory. Yes, I know what I am suggesting here, but he knew things before, saw ahead, realized. That first week in the hospital he would say he had days to live or weeks to live to the indignant disbelief and hearty protest of me and our son and contrary to what his doctors were indicating as well, but he already knew.
One day we were sitting with Paul in the hospital room. He had been alert and lucid that day. He had lots of visitors and family in and out all day long. I was talking to someone else, a friend, a doctor, a nurse, I can’t remember, but suddenly Paul had my attention. He was waving at something out the window. We were on the 8th floor. I caught our son’s eye who was now also looking at this dad. “Who are you waving at, Daddy?” Paul had the biggest smile on his face. He pointed and continued waving, “Doris and Marshall! They’re right there. See them!” Doris and Marshall were his beloved aunt and uncle and people of deep faith. They passed away a year apart from each other over 10 years ago.
Again from Paul….
18th 2018 “Woke this morning to the question, ‘How are you feeling?’
being asked by a nurse. I gave her a typical answer given by a typically
healthy person…I’m alive and it beats the alternative or I’m on the right side
of dirt. I’ll never say that again. Tears. Vicki & Tom came to visit.
Argued w/M about when I was going to die, I’ve always got to have my side! I’d argue
about dying sooner just to win!”
As the days went on, he was short tempered with those closest to him, putting distance between us. Apparently, that makes the final parting easier. At the time, I was confused and perplexed by it, but now I understand. He was testing us to see if we were ready to let him go. He was restless most of the time, often delirious, and when he did rest, it was fitful. He would move, mutter, and talk in his sleep. He would sometimes even smile and laugh and carry on conversations. Occasionally, we would recognize what he was saying or what he was laughing about as a memory of an event from long ago. His life was flashing before his eyes. He was reliving moments from our life together. There were also astonishing bursts of energy and seemingly super human strength. I understand that now, too. They are all hallmarks of the dying process, by-products of what was happening to his body, his mind, and his spirit.
At this point, you may be thinking how terrible for her or I feel so bad for her having to go through all of that or something similar. You might even be thinking what some people actually say out loud. That it’s better for someone to die suddenly. That it’s somehow easier on all involved. I have experienced loss both ways. I was present during the dying and death of my husband. My mother, on the other hand, died suddenly in a car accident. There’s nothing good, easier, or advantageous about any of it. And, yes, you can argue it both ways. You can say that in one circumstance a loved one didn’t have to suffer or in another circumstance that the dying and the loved ones had a chance to say goodbye. The truth is that death and dying are a natural part of the life process and either way the resulting grief is difficult, life changing, and an opportunity to learn and grow and should be seized as such in whatever form that looks like for you.
Father’s Day is upon us, again, our second without Paul. He was a good daddy. He loved our son and understood him in ways I never will because they shared the bond of maleness. My mind and heart are full of distinct moments when I’ve thought and felt that our son needed his dad and that I was a poor substitute. Our son has his own precious collection of notes from Dad. They are equally poignant and relevant, and I’m thankful that Paul is able to continue to offer guidance to his son in that way. I am thankful for the sweet somethings that Paul left behind.
Our Heavenly Father, too, left notes for us in the form of His word, the Bible. Much of the Bible is a collection of letters left behind by Holy Spirit-filled men who were inspired by God. It’s God’s love letter to His children. The Bible is our notes from Dad. It’s every bit as poignant and relevant to us in the world today and provides guidance to His loved ones. If you are missing the father in your life this holiday, as we are, remember that we always have a father in God.
The Elephant in the
Room? Seriously. I’m running an elephant sanctuary over here.
We’ll start with the baby elephant, anxiety.
In the early weeks and months after Paul died, it was
difficult for me to leave the safety of
the house. I wanted to be where he was.
Paul and I did everything together. We enjoyed each other and enjoyed doing
even the smallest activities together. I don’t even remember the last time I
was in a grocery store by myself or pumped my own gas. Now, just riding in the
car by myself feels like a foreign country. I am not sure I fully realized it
until Paul was no longer by my side, but he made me feel safe, emotionally safe
certainly, and, in some cases, physically safe.
I admit that I have long been a bit of a “nervous Nellie”, a
little hypersensitive even from my childhood, but going through my days alone
has caused me anxiety like I have never known it before. It is at its worst in
the morning. Big surprise <insert sarcasm>. Sometimes I can’t get out of
bed. It’s a struggle just to get my feet on the floor. Sometimes I get stuck in the kitchen. I’m dressed. I’m
ready. I’m standing in the kitchen, and I can’t move from that spot. The other
prime locations for getting stuck are
in the driveway and at the traffic light as I’m trying to leave neighborhood.
When I’m stuck in the driveway, I just sit there and watch the garage door go
down trying to decide if I’m actually going to leave the house or not. If there
is no one waiting behind me at the traffic light, I will often just keep on
sitting through the next cycle or two. If I’m forced out the neighborhood by
people waiting behind me, then I make my way to my destination but struggle to
get out of the car when I arrive.
I’ve attempted to deal with this anxiety in several ways
because what I’ve really learned about anxiety like this is that it’s not going
away anytime soon. I have to manage it.
There are times when I am able to confront it. I can muster my courage
and force myself to take the next step. That works. Sometimes. Other times, I
find it best to avoid that which I know causes anxiety. I order my groceries
online, and go pick them up instead of doing the shopping in-store. That is a
reasonable, acceptable avoidance that does not impact my quality of life. I
have used interventionssuch as medication (short term), controlled
breathing, meditation and prayer, exercise, connecting with others, and
counseling. I doubt I am going to be anxiety free any time soon, but I have
enough strategies at my disposal to manage. For now.
So, that’s anxiety. Next up, anger.
Anger has always felt wrong to me. Wrong on a sinful level. I
have always tended to be less expressive, even stoic. It’s hard for me to
remember many times in my life when I’ve been out-right angry. It is also useless,
honestly. It’s not productive or helpful in any way as far as I can tell, but
anger is a very natural, biological emotion, and it’s present very early on in
life so it must be important. Even babies get angry. Anger in its basic form is
used, I believe, to draw attention, to demand attention. And perhaps that’s
what anger in the midst of grief is all about. A demand for a wound to be attended to. Anger can be sneaky. For me, anger over my husband’s
death comes out as irritability, being short-tempered with others, having impatient
outbursts that take me by surprise, and I think to myself where did that come from?
My anger forces me to attend to something within myself that I have pushed
aside for too long. The message to me from
me is…..Deal with these feelings, or they will deal with you. And, by the
way, I’m fed up with all the feelings. It’s exhausting, and I’m sick of it.
The anger usually abates when I acknowledge what I’m angry about. So, what am I angry about? Here goes. I am angry that Paul left me here by myself. No, he didn’t do it on purpose. I am angry about the way Paul died. No, there was nothing that could have been done differently. I am angry that I was completely helpless to do anything for him. Yes, I did everything I could. I am angry that I have to do all this grief sh*t (excuse me). Yes, yes, the grief work has helped me grow. So, do you see? Do you see how senseless anger is? And, yet, it is there.
I think the best way to sum up anger in the midst of grief
is with this clip
from the movie Steel Magnolias. It’s not perfect, but it’s pretty darn close.
These elephants are getting bigger. Ugh. Next, the twins, hurt and guilt.
Marriage, any relationship for that matter, is not all goodness and light, my friends, as I’m sure many of you well know. Conflicts occur. I suppose it is inevitable in any relationship as we are all flawed. Old arguments come to mind. I think of things that I said or did that hurt Paul and things that Paul said and did that hurt me as well. Some of the arguments were the ridiculous kind that all couples seem to have, but some of them were more serious incursions, and the hurt and the guilt are deep and impossible to forget. I have to say here that I think it’s really important to remember the love and the good times, the happy memories, and to remember the difficult, hurtful memories, too. It’s not good to over-romanticize the relationship. While it is painful to remember the hurtful things I did and how I was hurt, it also allows me to continue to learn how to improve my current and future relationships with those I love. Guilt is good. It’s a gift from the Holy Spirit that hopefully(!) prevents us from erring repeatedly.
And, finally, Jumbo makes his entrance. Regret.
I most regret the missed opportunities, missed opportunities to be more attentive, patient, to be a better listener, more accepting, to know my husband in deeper ways and to be more open so that I could be fully known. I regret the times that I fell short of being the wife he wanted and/or needed. I don’t mean to say that I wish I had necessarily agreed with him more because sometimes that is genuinely not what a person needs although it may be what they want. I just mean that I can think of times when reacting differently to what was happening in our relationship would have been the more loving and honorable way to be my husband’s wife. One of my deepest regrets came in the weeks and days before Paul died. I was in full caregiver mode. Decisions about his care had to be made every day and had to be made quickly. I so wish I could have stepped away from my caregiver role and could just be with him in those last days, but it was impossible. I was being Martha because I had to. I wish I could have been Mary.
So, how does all this junk
get resolved? Three words. Mercy, forgiveness, and grace. Mercy is when we don’t
get what we have coming to us, when we have behaved wrongly and should rightfully
be punished but are spared. With forgiveness, we can surmount the anger and
resentment. We can let it go. And then there’s grace. Grace is the clincher. It’s
the life changer, the freedom bringer. It is completely unmerited, cannot be
earned and is the highest form of love. It takes all three of these to make a
relationship work. Marriage is hard, but a promise is only a promise if it is
kept. The following passage was read at our wedding as it is at so many, but it
remains, for me, a guidebook to being in a right relationship with others.
Way of Love (1 Cor 13:1-13)
13 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love,
I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 And if I have prophetic powers, and
understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as
to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give
away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned,[a] but have
not love, I gain nothing.
4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast;
it is not arrogant 5 or rude.
It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;[b]6 it does
not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love
bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all
8 Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for
tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in
part, 10 but when the perfect comes, the partial
will pass away. 11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I
thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up
childish ways. 12 For now we see in a mirror dimly,
but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even
as I have been fully known.
13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest
of these is love.
So, go ahead, dear ones. Talk about the elephants in the
room. Call them out by name. Mountain climber, adventurer, and completely blind
for most of his adulthood, Erik Weihenmayer says, “You lean in to the thing
that sort of scares you, that overwhelms you, so that you can kind of get up
close to it and you can experience it fully and then it kind of loses its power
Get up close to your elephants, friends, and the room will be yours!
In a previous post, I wrote about psychic injury and how to care for yourself as you heal. This post moves on to discussing the healing process. After the death of a loved one or a significant loss, people may refer to you as grief-stricken. Grief-stricken. It’s an interesting description, as if one is stricken with an illness, but I agree with it. It does make sense to refer to grief as an illness because illnesses need treatments and so do psychic injuries. I also agree because people recover from illness, and people recover from grief, too!
Grief is a noun, but grieving is a verb. It is active. Make
no mistake. Grieving is difficult work
and takes a sustained effort, a multi-faceted approach. For me, I felt like I
had to get it right. I have a lot of life left to live. I also want the rest of
my life to honor my husband and his love for me. He took such good care of me,
always wanted the best for me. He wanted me to spend the rest of my life happy
and healthy and emotionally free even if it was without him. The only way to
ensure that is to do this grieving thing to the hilt.
So, I have pursued grief, sought it out, searched for it in the darkest corners, fought with it, chased it, dug it up, and wrapped myself in it. Grieving is indeed a profound experience, but it is not who I am, the little girl who lost her mother, the grieving widow. God alone, not my circumstances, determines my identity.
I.Own.Grief. It doesn’t own me.
My treatment plan
evolved over time. I began with one strategy and gradually added more until I
had a full array of tools with which to do my work.
Welcome to my Griefwork Toolbox!
Individual and/or Family Counseling
I began by seeing a counselor. Best decision I ever made.
She saved my life (I’ll save the rest of that story for another post). I began
with weekly visits and gradually increased the time between visits depending on
how I was feeling. Sometimes I had setbacks and needed to return more
frequently. Sometimes I felt stronger and could go a little longer without an
appointment. I recommend choosing a counselor who specializes in grief and
someone who will support any particular religious beliefs or traditions you may
have. I also recommend that you think ahead about whether or not you want a
male or female counselor. Be sure to consider any other characteristics unique
to your situation and history. The more specific you are the better your
counseling experience will be.
Reading books about grief can be very helpful. Small, short
books with vignettes are best. Long narratives are challenging for an
overloaded brain. A brain overloaded with emotion struggles to concentrate and
pay attention. A quick search on Amazon will yield many good options. Read just
a little each day. Make it a habit. Five to ten minutes a day is all you need.
Choose and pursue an expressive outlet
There are feelings and emotions in the human soul for which there are no words and for which an ocean of salty tears would not be enough to express. For that reason, an expressive outlet can do a world of good. It could be anything – dance, theater, poetry, music, art, sculpting, crafting, scrapbooking, painting, textile arts, drawing. For me, it was music. My husband was a teenager during the seventies. His vinyl record collection is epic. I spent hours listening to those records. They made me feel close to Paul when I was struggling to adapt to his physical absence. I was able to picture him listening to and enjoying those same records, and it made me feel like we were together. They were a great comfort to me, calmed me as David used music to calm the madness of the king. Then, my father-in-law gave me a piano. I had played as a child so, even though many years had passed, it was still familiar to me. I ordered some books and began practicing each day. I was astonished at the way it literally switched off the rest of my brain as I focused on playing the notes and tune. When I am playing the piano, I lose track of time. I lose track of time. A miracle.
Try a Grief Group
I say try because
you may find that it is not for you. It also has a lot to do with timing. If
you try a grief group and it’s not working for you, by all means, discontinue,
but don’t throw out the idea completely. I did not join a grief group until 6
months after Paul’s death. The group I joined was organized around a video
series with an accompanying workbook. That aspect was extremely helpful to me. The discussions we had were short, limited
to about 15 minutes, and I didn’t speak too often. Only one other person in the
group had experienced the death of a spouse. The rest of the members had
experienced the death of adult children, parents, or siblings. My point is that
the most important benefit I received from being in a grief group was acquired
by listening. There is so much value
in listening to and understanding the perspectives of others.
Full Circle Moments
Look for and take advantage of full circle moments. I call them goodbye moments. These usually happen at places that were special to us, a restaurant, the beach, gardens, cities we liked to visit, vacation spots. One of these goodbye moments occurred recently at a local plantation. The last time we had been there was Mother’s Day 2016. Our son wasn’t able to be with us that day. I was feeling a little blue about that so Paul planned for us to enjoy a day out. It was a beautiful, sunny day. We strolled the gardens through walkways of flowers. We talked and smiled and laughed and held hands. We thoroughly enjoyed just being with each other. On this recent visit to the same plantation, I was with my brother and his family. As we walked in through the main gates, I recalled the memory. Shared it with my family. Smiled at the thought of it. Celebrated Paul’s life. Embraced it, and let it go. Full circle.
Any form of exercise will do, but I encourage you to choose
an exercise that has the potential to be social, a two-for-one as it were. The
physical and mental benefits of exercise are, of course, numerous. By adding a
social component, you also get the benefit of connecting with others. In addition,
I encourage exercises and/or activities that have a meditation or mindfulness component
as well as a focus on breathing, something like yoga or the martial arts. All
of this together will help ease anxiety and the processing of intense emotions.
If church was part of your life before the death of your
loved one, try to continue to go. I know it is difficult, but it can be an
important and stabilizing force in your healing process. I think the way to get
through it is to not have any expectations. Just be there in His presence and
trust. The rawness of grief in the midst of worship can be very challenging. Go
anyway. Do it anyway, but make sure you have escape routes, places you can go, people you can go to if you get
overly emotional or completely overwhelmed.
My counselor encouraged journaling early on, but I was not able to do it. I couldn’t gather my thoughts together well enough to get them on to paper. I couldn’t concentrate. My emotions just didn’t translate. It was months before I was able to write short responses to questions in my grief workbook and several months more before my ideas began to freely flow. If you are not able to journal initially, try again after some time has passed. It can be a powerful means for reorganizing thoughts and memories, integrating new experiences, and assimilating new routines and life patterns.
Spending time with pets can have a profoundly beneficial impact on anxiety, depression, and mood. Try spending more time with your own pets if you have them. Walking them and playing with them even for a few minutes can lower heart rate, blood pressure, and improve your outlook. If you don’t have pets of your own, spend time with a friend or family member’s pet. Many organizations have access to pet therapy. Handlers volunteer their time and their pet to visit with people undergoing medical treatments or in need of emotional support. I will write more about our own amazing experience with pet therapy in a future post.
Connect with others in a meaningful way. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return on their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.” Griefwork truly is a labor. By connecting, we can help each other through it. Work on strengthening your current connections and reaching out to others to form new ones. Everyone is experiencing some type of grief. No one gets through this life unscathed. The more we reach out and connect with each other the better off we will all be.
Find opportunities to serve others in need. Yes, even though
you are in a position of need yourself. Serving others grows gratitude for your
own circumstances. It also takes your mind off of whatever your mind is on. On
our first Christmas Day without Paul, my son and I volunteered to serve
Christmas dinner at our local Ronald McDonald House, a place for families experiencing
medical hardships. It was the best place for us to be that day. We were busy
serving others. It took our minds off the absence of our beloved husband and
father if even for a little while. I was recently reading Luke’s account of
Tabitha. Tabitha was a disciple of Christ and worked to help the widowed and
poor by making clothing for them. Tabitha fell ill and passed away. Her
community was so distraught that two believers went to get Peter who was
visiting in a nearby town. Peter arrived and prayed to God on behalf of Tabitha,
and God restored her to life. She got her life back. Every time I do something
for someone else, when I serve, I feel like I get a little bit more of my life
Go. Serve. It’s good
for others. It’s good for you.
Only what is embraced can be transformed. Only by embracing
the grief can it be transformed into peace. Embrace it all, the emotions, the
memories, the hurt. Breathe it all in so that you can breathe it all out. Don’t
run away. Run towards it! Memories are so interesting. When my mother died, I
purposely did not remember and forgot so
much, whole swaths of time from my childhood. The pain was too overwhelming,
and I had no support. Now, I use my memories as a way to visit with Paul, and it brings me joy!
Cry. Wash. Repeat.
Cry. A lot. Then, wash your face. I received this advice
from a widower, and he was right. There is great power in the physical act of
washing your face. The water is refreshing. It takes the tears with it down the
drain. It’s energizing, too. It gives you a moment to catch your breath, gather
your courage, and face the day once more. Repeat as often as necessary. It’s an
emotional cleanse that’s good for your psyche.
If ANY of this is
helpful to you, dear reader, then I have been of service and have gotten a
little bit more of my life back.